News of the almost quadrupled attendance at Utah’s Republican caucuses has political analysts claiming Sen. Orrin Hatch greatly increased the odds he’ll see a seventh term in Washington, which puts him that much closer to the coveted finance chair position. Interestingly, NASA scientists revealed that a large meteor heading straight for planet earth suddenly and unexpectedly changed course almost simultaneously after the news went public.
Jim Thibbodeau, a physicist for NASA, explains that this was the largest meteor ever recorded within our solar system. Had it stayed on its current trajectory, “mankind as we know it would cease to exist.”
The meteor—estimated to be approximately half the size of the earth’s moon—would have instantly killed a significant percentage of the earth’s population. Survivors of the devastating collision would have reached the same fate as a result of the earth being knocked off its orbit, an event that would alter the earth’s climate to the point of no longer sustaining life.
Scientists also confirmed that the near extinct panda bear has been mating at unprecedented rates, polar caps are no longer retreating and Iran is seriously considering halting its nuclear program. All this can be attributed to Orrin Hatch taking another step towards being finance chair, according to Hatch’s campaign manager—Dave Hansen.
When confronted with this news, Orrin Hatch seemed incredulous. “My gosh, is that all?” Senator Hatch rhetorically asked. “Frankly, Orrin Hatch thought that with Orrin Hatch being that much closer to becoming finance chair, Orrin Hatch would have averted further catastrophe on Orrin Hatch’s green earth.”
Senator Hatch said there is still work yet to be done and looks forward to one day ensuring that rainbows appear every day whether it rains or not and unicorns are not just an icon to fantasy enthusiasts, but an everyday reality. “But none of this is possible,” he warns, “unless Orrin Hatch becomes finance chair.”
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