Bryan Schott’s Political BS: Averting the Zombie Apocalypse

Utah’s economy is booming. Unemployment is below the national average. Our 8th graders perform better than most of their peers around the world in science.

Behind the facade of all that good news lurks a danger our public officials are blissfully ignoring.


Of course, I’m talking about zombies.

Utah is doing absolutely nothing to prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse.

It is completely unacceptable that exactly zero of our so-called leaders are actively taking steps to combat this looming problem.

When the dead start rising to turn our faces into steak tartare, you won’t be laughing…mostly because you won’t have a face. Because of the aforementioned eating of it. By zombies.

I think you get my point.

It’s not like we have to look very far for a blueprint on how to get ready. There are plenty of shows or, as I like to call them “future documentaries” on how to recognize and respond to the hoards of shuffling dead destined to sweep across the Beehive state, consuming everything in their path like a bunch of Mormon Crickets. Except they’re zombies.

“The Walking Dead,” “Day of the Dead,” “Dawn of the Dead,” “28 Days Later,” “World War Z.” You may call them harmless entertainment. I call them vital instructional videos. I’d be happy to host a viewing party for Gov. Herbert, our legislative leaders and any other interested parties at my house. You bring the popcorn, I’ll help save us from the undead menace. (Seriously, Gov. Herbert, return my calls!)

Lawmakers spent countless hours debating when and where Utahns should be allowed to carry firearms. Why no mention of baseball bats covered with barbed wire or swords. Given bullets will likely be at a premium once the dead start rising, blades and blunt instruments will help keep our populace safe.

Even the Utah Department of Health, who you would expect to take the lead against this sort of imminent threat, is doing nothing. Is there a public awareness campaign on how to recognize and stop a zombie? No. Seminars on how to identify if a loved one is bitten and what to do (destroy the brain)? No. This is absolutely unacceptable.

Legislators are tying themselves in knots trying to figure out how to get the federal government to give up control of public lands in the state. A lot of good that’s going to do us when people are fleeing across said lands trying to get away from a swarm of undead.

How about a campaign to promote better physical fitness? Running is the most effective defense against the risen dead who are trying to turn you into a mid-afternoon snack. “Run for five to stay alive!” These things practically write themselves!

Maybe we spend some of our budget surplus to build walls around the state? It’s not like we’ve never spent a ton of money on a massive public project that we only needed once. Remember the giant pumps we built out at the Great Salt Lake we built to aleviate flooding (also known as “Bangerter’s Folly”)? Giant 20-30 foot walls wouldn’t be much different, except floods don’t try to eat your brains like zombies. Those walls would also serve a dual purpose. Besides keeping the dead at bay, it would keep people from Wyoming out.

Putting up walls would allow us to create the “Utah Free Zone” against the zombie-infested hellscape outside. Plus, every outpost in these types of scenarios needs a cool-sounding name. Establishing the “Utah Free Zone” before things start to go to hell in a handbasket is just good branding.

These warnings are falling on deaf ears. When I attempt to talk to elected officials about the coming end of civilization because of zombies, the most frequent responses I hear are “Who are you?” and “How did you get in here?”

Look at the recent budget proposal by Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams. It was all about raises for employees and no new taxes. Was there a single item in there for zombie abatement? No. Who’s gonna be sorry when a zombie is snacking on their neck? His constituents, that’s who.

Can’t we take a little time and at least open the discussion? Civilization depends on it.

Happy Halloween!